When?

When will it end? When will it all end? All the pain? All the struggling? All the suffering. I’ve lived on pain killers too long. Ive gone to sleep too many times thinking I won't wake up in the mornings. What ailment will take my life from me? I’m tired of the tears. I’m tired of the throbbing pains or the really sharp unexpected ones. I’m tired of wondering of its stress that will kill me or gas? Or something else I didn’t know was slowly consuming my insides. What will it be?

Will I be so frustrated and so needy of an end to the suffering that I take my own life? What will push me to the brink? To the edge? What is the straw that breaks the camel's back? God built us to manage and thrive in his land, so I should be able to manage it. He doesn't misjudge characters but has my lifestyle and life make me unworthy of fulfilling his purpose on earth? What is that purpose? Why do I suffer? Why am I suffering for years upon years? After one is healed another illness takes over? Why me? I fell sick… to my stomach and sick everywhere else too. I’m scarred, I’m bloated. I am damaged. I need help but I should be doing better. Because I know better. But I feel like I’m slowly dying. But I am dying a lot faster than most.

If only someone can understand the pain I feel. If they could just glimpse my suffering, then I could believe when they say “I understand your pain” or “I know what you're going through”.

This stiff neck is killing me…and it might just take my life.